Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

somewhere, in an alternate universe

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

car not found

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants