I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My birthstone is kidney
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
WTF
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.