Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#IWishIHadNever noticed

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!