Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.