Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

I basically called this earlier today

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

is this meant to deter me

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do