Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

New favorite tiktok

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

Who does Amazon think I am?

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet