I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
