My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
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Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
March 16
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Good news
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.