ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced