I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.