Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.