I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.