I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”