I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”