I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
✌️
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.