I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Lol.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep