I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I beg your pardon?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.