I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
#ProTip
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.