Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.