I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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absolute chaos
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Lmao
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon