I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

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*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?


How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)


i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton


CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.


I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps


*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture


Son: Dad I’m in love with a girl just like mum.
Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?


90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.


[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock