Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

what’s the point then??

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.