I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
#ParentingFacts
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
who will stop them
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this