Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

asking santa clause for nudes

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

scenes of unspeakable carnage

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.