Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.