Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”