“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
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Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Proofread twice, hang posters once
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip