“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
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Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I have good problem solving skills, but my problem creating skills are where I really shine.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator