“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)