Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms