I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
The pen is writier than the sword.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.