I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Perfect
How do dragons blow out candles?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.