I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.