I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Good morning
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology