Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

Life hack

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…