I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it