I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Meeeee too!
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.