don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
for all #parents out there
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.