Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

😎 🍻

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”