I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
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I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?