I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
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These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
But wait…
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same