I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder