I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
#winning
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
