I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.