Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Creative Problem Solving

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?