Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

this is how life feels

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

This is the one

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

✨☝️✨

marvel comics have peaked

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

smh

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”