I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?