I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”