I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
You Might Also Like
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
incredible text to wake up to
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.