Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.