Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.