I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
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What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
the official breakfast of 2021