I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Cat or sheep
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice