I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen