I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
this article brought to you by lions
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
💀 😭
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook