I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
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Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”