I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
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We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.