Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”