Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded