I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Thursday
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
