I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
