Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

yes… yes…

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*