i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
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I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?