I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.