I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!