I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
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You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.