Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

Siri, fight Alexa.

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”