I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
You better watch out
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
So inspired right now.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.