Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Boating season is upon us.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die