I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
You Might Also Like
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.