@BatBatshitcrazy

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

- @BatBatshitcrazy

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@Springaling85

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

@Megatronic13

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

@DirtMcTurd

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

@jensenmarie_

GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN:
1. Lose parents, inherit everything
2. Let people get murdered
3. Never murder the Joker cause he’s the best at puns

@GorillaNipples1

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

@TheBoydP

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

@AmishPornStar1

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

@iGreenMonk

Son:Dad, what is ‘creeping inflation’?

Father:It’s when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.

@JediGigi

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

@Prof_Hinkley

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable