@BatBatshitcrazy

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

- @BatBatshitcrazy

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@david8hughes

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

@mitushi

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

@timdonakowski

My wife and I got into an argument.

And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.

@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

@SoloSalinas

Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”

@SethMacFarlane

Hey online media: “Comfortability” isn’t a word. The noun you’re looking for is “comfort.” And it doesn’t need you to give it a fancy hat.

@Midgetspar

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

@SuperRandomish

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.