@BatBatshitcrazy: I've reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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@FrogAvalanche: "Wheres the goddamn pizzas?" Me: Check the pizza tracker. *bends down, touches ground* "A pizza will walk here before the moon is full."
@torrami: Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage :(
@NewDadNotes: *cat rubs against genie lamp* G: you get one wish Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table* G: guess who just wished for a dog