I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn