I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
i love modern commerce
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I want this so bad
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
this was very charming
