Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Denise please return my vape pen

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.