Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.