Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

You had me at “define legal”.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.