I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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This made me smile…
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
#Caturday
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
The news in a nutshell.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!