I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
When your diet is finally over.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.