I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.