I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Most fashion shows these days…
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then