I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
reminder
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.